Wednesday, March 10, 2010

He Grabbed a Knife!

Things continue to get worse. Tonight my son slipped back into depression (with energy) and grabbed a knife. This all started when he was told that he couldn’t watch tv where his brother was sleeping with the flu.

Thankfully my husband was home and was able to chase him down and take the knife away. I don’t know if he would’ve actually done anything to himself, but I can’t trust his actions. I never know what’s coming next. Before I go any further, I’ll just clarify that the knives are now in a locked box and it’s like a punch in the stomach to say that, since I never imagined that our life would come to this.

My son then slipped into a very violent rage that lasted for over 1.5 hours. We had to hold him down while he bit, kicked and hit us. My husband was literally beat up tonight by his 9 year old son. My son had a lot of physical energy and it took him a long time before he wore himself down. The entire time my son was screaming for us to let him go so he could “go kill himself”.

I have a gut feeling that his reaction to “kill himself” lately is related to the Seroquel he’s taking. Ever since they increased his dose, we’ve had 3 major episodes of depression mixed with very physical rages. I mentioned this to his doctors after the first two rages, but they were not convinced yet. The strange thing is that when they put him on this medication they had us read through pages of side effects and one of the pages warned of this kind of behavior as a side effect from this medication. It just frustrates me so much that the doctors don’t spend more time paying attention to the details that I share with them. But I’m not a doctor and this gut feeling may be way off base, but I can’t let my son go through another violent episode. What if next time he really does hurt himself?

After my son calmed down, he wanted to talk with me and during that discussion he shared how he just wanted to die and that it would be better for all of us if he was gone since his anger problem would go away.

This just breaks my heart. How miserable must my son be? Only hours prior he was sharing the award he won in school today, had a great playdate with a friend and we hugged one another as he shared what a good day he was having, then it all changed so fast. I can see how upset my son must be about his “anger problem”, it steals his joy, it robs him of the childhood that he should have. It’s so bad that he wants it all to end.

Tomorrow I’m going back to the doctors, looking for more answers. At times it feels like things are only going to get worse, but no matter what, I’m not giving up, my son deserves a happy ending.


  1. Holy Cow! My son had the same experience on Seroquel. He had not been suicial or homidical prior to this drug. He was involved in a study for this med and each week they kept increasing the dose saying he just hadn't reached therapeutic level. He was so depressed that he had come up with plans for how would kill himself and us. I found him one day in the driveway laying under my car, hoping that I would not notice him and I would drive over him. He said similar things that you mentioned "I don't deserve to be on this planet"
    "I wish someone would just kill me" "I am an awful person" etc. He would then swing to planning to kill me and my husband in our sleep. It was truly awful. As soon as he came of the Seroquel all of these symtpoms went away. He is still unstable and explosive but has not talked of hurting himself or anyone else since. That was 2 years ago.

    1. How fast did u take him off the seraquel? My son was on 300 mg at night. then the doctor dropped him to 150 mg. and weaning him off. the doctor thinks it is the seraquel too. He has been just terribale wants to take him off...said he thinks seraquel is making him act up. But im afraid to stop him cold turkey from the responses i see on line. Hes down to 75 mg at night now.

    2. We followed our doctor's advice and stopped immediately after it became apparent that he was reacting to the medication, he pulled a knife from our drawer and wanted to kill himself, his rages were violent and he was very focused on wanting to end his life. This is why we quit and didn't taper down. From there we started melatonin to help him sleep at night which worked really good.

      I would follow your doctor since he is monitoring his care. I hope this helps.

  2. Wow! That is so sad. Seroquel really scared me, it seemed the more he got, the worse he got. So did they ever determine what is causing this in your son? Is he bipolar, or is it undiagnosed?

  3. Sorry-- might be commenting a lot now that I found your blog.
    Seroquel is the ONLY time I've ever had to get police intervention for my child (he was 6, now 7). It was a nightmare. I felt like I had totally failed him and that there really was no hope for bipolar. He is now on Geodon, and doing sooooo much better. I firmly believe that Seroquel is poison.

    1. No need to apologize, I enjoy any feedback, even if the posts are old. I still think about these things even though they happened in the past. I agree, seroquel was really bad for our son. I only wish the doctors believed me sooner.