After he told me, he said he felt better and was ok. I encouraged him, as I’ve done in the past, to always tell me when he has these thoughts and told him it’s best to be around others and not alone when he feels this way. I tried to explain that it’s just his brain making a mistake and sending him the wrong information and that it was so important that he never acts on those feelings.
He seemed to feel better by letting me know and was ready to play again. But for me, I felt sick to my stomach. I felt scared for him, terrified that these random thoughts could slip into his head. He wasn’t depressed, angry or feeling embarrassed or ashamed. He was just hanging out watching tv.
That’s what scares me, that we won’t see it coming and can’t help him when he needs it most. I’ve read personal accounts of where people commit suicide when things appeared good on the outside. Is this what happens to them? Do these bad thoughts just pop into their heads?
I’m scared for my son’s future, what will he do when he’s older and living alone and a bad thought of hurting himself comes to mind, will he act on it? Will these thoughts he has today, become much more threatening, lingering for hours or days? Is what I see today a precursor of something much worse tomorrow?
I know that I can’t be by my son’s side every minute of the day, but I’m still his Mommy and I want to protect my son in every way possible, even if it’s from himself. But at the end of the day, I honestly feel like I’m not enough when it comes to protecting my son, I feel completely inadequate against a disorder that strikes in unexpected ways at unexpected times, I feel like I’m up against an invisible monster that’s trying to take my son away and it scares me.
Can you relate?