Last night I was overcome with this fear, the fear of losing my son to suicide. I try to avoid such thoughts, but every once in a while the worry creeps into my mind, usually when I least expect it, I get emotionally knocked over and I feel the air get sucked out of my lungs.
I know that we’re doing everything possible to help our son avoid such an outcome, but I also know that as each year passes, he’ll gain more freedom and I’ll lose more control. I know it sounds ridiculous, but with him being so young, I feel like I can prevent this outcome, I can monitor his moods, follow his actions and support his care. But one day, he’ll leave my nest and go through his symptoms alone. How will I know that he’ll be ok? What happens when he becomes depressed and there’s no one there to support him? What happens if he refuses to take his medication? Or doesn’t get his prescriptions filled properly? How will I protect him?
I think to a degree all moms feel this way when their children grow up and move on, we worry about their safety, that they’re making mature decisions and so on, but with my son’s mood disorder, my worries feel justified.
If you are not in immediate danger because of thoughts of suicide, but need someone to talk with about your suicidal feelings, please do not hesitate to call one of the following national suicide prevention lines:
You are loved and you matter!
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